The Gorinian-Enviro-Nazi’s ABC Hand book of how to save the world (by killing America) PART ONE (Letters A through J)
Eat it up kids. Your local enviro-nazi dream team is forming and I’ll be damned if they don’t have a fool proof plan to save the world. (Pay attention, there is some pork attached) The summation is quite simple; cripple the country from the top down and make it impossible (and illegal) to do just about anything. The following is a list of words, actions, names and ideas that are well on their way out. Feel free to add, because I am quite certain I missed a few hundred…
Assemble (Unless it’s a peaceful ultra-liberal torch wielding assembly trying to burn down a former vise-presidential running mates church in Alaska)
Alaska (Alaska will now be illegal for 2 reasons, both of them being a former vise-presidential running mates home state and the presence of decades worth of oil)
Affiliate (Unless it an affiliation with either- A) a racist anti-American religious leader B) an unrepentant terrorist and his convicted terrorist wife C) a convicted real estate con-artist to get a good property deal D) a crazed Illinois governor hell bent on illegally selling a senate seat
Arm (Unless it involves arming the helpless trees plants and animals so they can finally shoot back at heathen Americans who’s greed and immortality have led them to disgusting habits such as eating food and building shelters to live in)
Act (Unless it involves acting in front of cameras for two years to give the overwhelming impression that A) you care B) you know what you are talking about C) you “feel the pain of the common American” D) the criminal/racist/con-artist that you have been associated with for decades “wasn’t the person you knew then”) E) you were in fact born in Hawaii and not in Kenya F) you or no one you know ever spoke to said accused governor especially one of your most recent controversial cabinet picks in regards to the selling of said senate seat
Build (Unless it involves building A) wind farms which are exorbitantly expensive and are unreliable in use with existing power grids B) hybrid vehicles which will only further cripple the US automotive industry C) a near trillion dollar infrastructure project in attempt to stimulate the economy just because you heard F.D.R. did it sixty years ago and people thought it worked and you think that all the press comparing you to F.D.R. makes you more legitimate/experienced/knowledgeable.)
Breed (This is an important one. Because traditional man/woman couples typically have for the past few thousand years, copulated to populate the earth and expand families, all of which is clearly offensive to liberals, the ACLU will file suit against both God and all mankind in an attempt to make giving birth a right for same-sex couples. God will be required to change the human form and function or face steep payouts. This of course will happen before the ACLU and other left-wing fanatics sue God to make him not exist because his omni-presence offends them and their desire to pursue ultra-atheistic practices such as drinking coffee at Starbucks and plotting to have the cross shaped piece taken out of the popular children’s game Perfection.)
Brandish (OBVIOUSLY brandishing any sort of firearms will be illegal unless A) you are a criminal with legal backing preferably by the ACLU B) you are part of the hundred thousand strong pseudo-marxist “civilian taskforce” proposed by your president elect. C) you are a terrorist who was captured on the field of battle trying to slaughter American troops dressed as a citizen but cant be detained questioned interrogated or prosecuted because it might make you a little uncomfortable so after your prompt release you will be reissued an assault rifle and flown to the terrorist harboring country of your choice so you can continue your heathen jihad, all of course at the taxpayers expense.)
Broker (Free capitalistic American commerce will formally be replaced with a much larger more cumbersome and intrusive socialistic government backed style of economic dictatorship, because as we all know, nobody knows how to run business like the government, I mean look at the post office, what better model of efficacy exists today?)
Construct (Construction of all non-green Matt Damon approved buildings will be halted until consumers can afford to pay ten times previous market value for homes and business that run only on sunlight, Al Gore pixy dust, and bullshit.)
Christmas (I’m surprised that the most evil of all holidays, which was declared a national holiday in 1870 by Ulysses S. Grant, has made it this far. The libs are furious that millions of Americans have the audacity to celebrate the birth of their savior and place $1.13 strands of lights on green trees and make food and spend time with their families and give food to charity and actually give their children something to look forward to all year. You can actually be fired for telling customers “Merry Christmas.” Christmas celebrations must know be called ‘holiday events’ to protect the sanctity of those who make a living out of making sure others cant freely enjoy their beliefs as prescribed under the constitution. I can only assume that by denouncing and barring all Christmas related activities that those individuals animatedly aggrieved by the mere mention of ‘the other nasty c-word’ will report to work on December 25th and celebrate baby Jesus day by working alone while basking in pride knowing that they have the divine gift of believing in nothing while simultaneously attacking others beliefs.)
Cultivate (Cultivation requires tractors which we all know are on the rap sheet for murdering polar bears. It will be proven by Mr. Gore himself that baby seal blood powered John Deere tractors were used by Dick Cheney to systematically euthanize entire families of polar bears and haul massive chunks of the solar ice caps to melting facilities to help meet the Bush administrations sea level raising goal of .00000000001” over the next 450 centuries.)
Create (Under the new administrations tax policy, creativity in commerce of any kind will be severely punished via tax increases in the name of ‘patriotism.’ As we speak, successful businessmen, affluent investors and triumphant entrepreneurs alike are scrambling to dismantle their operations, sell of their assets and pack up shop before the socialist redistributive tax changes take effect. The owner of the Miami Dolphins is first in line in case anybody is wondering.)
Demolish (Environmentalists often bring demolitions of aging and financially burdensome buildings and bridges to a halt because of fear the dust from the collapsing concrete might give a family of beavers a sinus infection. They also challenge any sort of roadway development that might cause emotional damage to the local sea bass population and so on. Engineers in turn are forced to design highways and roads that cost hundreds of millions of dollar more to build and require commuters to put more miles on their vehicle thus consuming more fuel. Ironic because the enviornazis ultimately want to make oil more illegal than unicorn blood, a process that has been given much undeserved merit by Britain’s ill-fated brainchild to cut carbon emissions 80% by 2050. See, its really that simple, bankrupt the country, halt industry and wham-o…no more emissions!!)
Develop (Development implies progress, expansion, industrial progression, and the logical idea that we should utilize our own resources to remain competitive. And since all of these ideas directly contradict the core principals of most liberals and environmentalists, development of any kind from here on out will be frowned upon. Clearly the world will prosper from the death of our need to generate income and remain globally viable because Time magazine tells me so every week.)
Deliver (I’m guessing UPS, Fed-Ex, and the USPS will be forced to cut daily shipping routes or comply to hard line eco-friendly yet fiscally nonviable ‘green machines’ as their primary vehicles of transport. This once again gets redundant in stating because if there is no development, and no dirty manufacturing there wont be much to ship anyways. Hopefully the full circle theme is starting to set in)
Drive (Democrats love to crucify the masses of Americans who were evil enough to actually purchase a vehicle that was large enough for an entire family, was stable enough to drive through a snow storm, and when involved in an accident was strong and safe enough to protect its occupants. Already we have seen threats from the government to the US automotive manuafactures essentially threatening abandonment if they don’t go hard green. Hybrids are a super swell idea and someday I’m sure they will be no-brainer, but at this exact moment attempting to give the country a hippie makeover at the cost of a complete economic meltdown doesn’t make a lot of sense.)
Drill (Over used by the republicans in 08’ race, and a word perpetually unknown to anyone who thinks this country can abandon coal and oil in the next few years, drilling has become the new racism. Liberals are convinced that by ignoring the decades worth of untapped oil and natural gas living in our own backyards, we can force industry into conforming to impossible eco-standards. They are of course correct. By forcing industry to go green overnight, production will immediately halt; companies will either close up shop or relocate (if they haven’t already, I mean there’s still plenty of room and hungry workers in China, Korea, Mexico etc etc etc). And as if a magic wand of enviro-struction (my new word meaning destruction through environmental tyranny) sprinkled the country with eco-fairy-death-dust, factories will shut down finally solving that pesky green house gas problem that has yet to be irrefutably validated. And since no one will have jobs, those middle class SUV driving bastards will finally be forced to stop murdering the world with their death mobiles.)
Farm (Farming under the eco-nazi rein has taken a nasty turn for the worse. Remember a while ago when US farmers pretty much grew what they wanted, were really good at it, and the US was actually able to export food all around the world which helped starving nations and thwarted massive increases in prices on silly things like corn grain and wheat? Well, that was unacceptable to some people, so they came up with a brilliant idea to burn food instead of gas so we could save the world!! Ethanol, or the E-85 blend, which only wastes acres upon acres of perfectly good corn for one damn tank of fuel, succeeded not only in diverting billions of dollars in automotive research for logical and realistic forms of propulsion, but also prompted a world wide food shortage starving millions of people right in their tracks! WAY TO GO EVERYBODY! Thanks to these eco-jackasses you can now buy a $50,000 Chevy Tahoe that gets 15 miles to the gallon…BUT… can fuel itself on a food/fuel blend that you cant BUY ANYWHERE ANYWAYS!!! These people are ok with literally starving children to death if it means making a green shit stain on their resumes and they are or already have taken over Washington. The starving children of Kenya wish to personally thank you for your liberal voting record, please send them a “Change you can believe in” bumper sticker for Christmas so they have something colorful for their gravestones.)
Fight (Unless you are a certain governor from Illinois who claims he will “Fight! Fight! Fight!” until his last breath because all the incriminating tapes the FBI recorded were actually segments of prank calls from Ashton Kusher)
Fart (gas excreted from cows pigs and sheep are now considered toxic to the earth and will be taxed per head, I am not making this up!)
Freeze (Any news of polar caps re-freezing, as they do and have done for a very very long time will be made illegal to report because it will discredit the most respected of all non scientist-scientist…Al Gore)
Grill (red meats) (Meat is murder)
Generate (Generating electricity by practical and economically viable means is on the outs. Wind farms are a sure fire way to bring instability to power grids across the country so naturally the libs love them.)
Hunt (All you nut-jobs out there who choose to exercise your right to own a gun, and are insensitive enough to hunt on your free time when you arent either working or are in the process of being laid off, will no longer have to worry about freezing your asses off the first day of deer season. Libs hate hunters, which is really no surprise because they hate most things that tax-paying citizens do. I think I’m going to start sending venison patties labeled as Boca Burgers to all these anti-hunting douche bags that apparently have nothing better to do than ruin other peoples lives while sitting on their own thumbs up their asses with MSNBC on the flat screen.)
Handout (Unless it involves handouts to a corrupt housing and voter rights advocacy group whose initials spell out a certain nut that squirrels eat. Handouts in the form of charitable donations to an un-named library will also pose no conflict of interests as the wife of said libraries founder becomes secretary of state…hmmmmm)
Help (A twist here- NOT helping those who choose not to work and make themselves useful members of society is now a big big no-no. How genius; promise tax cuts to the very people who don’t pay taxes in order to get elected and then stick the bill with the rest of us. Conservatives who suggest stricter welfare and government assistant regulations will be labeled as “satanic minority oppressing heathens” and denounced by the drive-by media.)
Ok I am carrying on a bit, time to start tidying up the rules.
Hunt (Hunt appears twice because it will be double illegal)
Invent (Unless it involves inventing a birth certificate for B-rock)
Invest (Unless it involves shady land deals with Tony Rezco)
Investigate (Unless it involves investigating a republican)
Interrogate (Unless it involves interrogating a republican)
Inherit (Unless it involves inheriting a senate seat for a large amount of money)
Inhabit (Unless it involves a democrat inhabiting an expensive hotel to cheat on his cancer stricken wife)
Join (Unless in involves joining the party of change real change change we can believe in)
Jubilate (Unless it involves jubilation by a racist reverend screaming “god-damn America” at the top of his lungs in front of thousands of people)
ok ok- thats all for now. The letters K through Z will be coming shortly.